Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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