i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
