My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
