Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
