I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When are your genitals available?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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