Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
