I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is Oprah even human
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
