Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
