WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize