I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
