Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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