Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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