I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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