Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
