Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
