update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She's the barista slut.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
