she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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