I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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