FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
