I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
