i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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