Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
