I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
