How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
