My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
