then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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