at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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