so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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