I heard we made out
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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