About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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