you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
