I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
