Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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