totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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