at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
