the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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