in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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