Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
