sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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