I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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