connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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