He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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