i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just tell him i said nine months
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
