Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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