last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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