That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
