9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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