He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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