I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
