It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
