I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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