When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm really busy with my period
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
