How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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