There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
