i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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