the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
