When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
