he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
