You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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