im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize