im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
