Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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