did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
