one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
