dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
